Sunday, April 26, 2009

Their Days Are Numbered... (Or At Least Should Be)

by Alfonso Colasuonno

First of all, let me state that experience is extremely valuable in most situations, inclusive of pro wrestling. However, with experience in pro wrestling comes the eventual bodily breakdown. This article is a plea to four legendary (well, maybe not Tommy Dreamer...make that three legendary) superstars to hang up the wrestling tights and call it a career. These four are the hardcore innovator Mick Foley, the once amazingly agile giant Kevin Nash, the iconic Sting, and the extreme Tommy Dreamer.

Watching pro wrestling this last year or so has led me to think that these four, and only these four, should hang up the tights. I've discussed this with friends who would extend it to others, including Scott Steiner and Booker T., but I think they can still put on an entertaining match. Of course, advanced age for an athlete doesn't necessarily mean that you should retire (although usually it does, Michael Jordan). Clearly the best match at Wrestlemania 25 was between fortysomethings Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker. Though their hair may be thinning, their talent is still as full as when they were some of the main draws of the WWE. Of course there are other wrestlers who it be argued should hang it up but I won't really elaborate on them for the following reasons. Hacksaw Jim Duggan is barely used by the WWE nowadays. Furthermore, he never really had much going for him in the beginning of his career other than how easily wrestling fans mark out for patriotism. Jerry Lawler, the god of Memphis, is barely ever used in WWE and has settled nicely over the last fifteen or so years as commentator first, wrestler second (these days a distant second).

Commentator first, wrestler second - ah, wouldn't those words be ideal for fans of the sport in regards to Mick Foley and Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash is one of the all-time greatest mic workers in the sport and Mick Foley proved his chops in the WWE as a commentator. Can you think of how much more intriguing TNA Impact would be if they got rid of the dweeby Mike Tenay and the "how much of a heel should I be this week" Don West and replaced them with Foley and Nash. Yes, I firmly believe that Mick Foley and Kevin Nash should retire and become the new commentators on the Impact Zone. Mick Foley was never one of the most agile wrestlers around but today with a little extra padding around his midsection, he is far too slow to put on a decent match. Kevin Nash doesn't look old so much as bored when in the ring. Nash was once nicknamed "Big Lazy" and when I see him wrestle a match I can see how he earned the moniker. Kevin Nash in his prime with the NWO or as a main eventer in the WWE as Diesel was a genuine star. Cactus Jack was a legend of the indies. Losing an ear in a match against Vader and continuing on. Well, the dude was just always willing to put on an amazing show. But there is a new Cactus Jack these days....Necro Butcher of ROH fame. Sure, Foley should stick to making the indie rounds in hardcore matches but his days as a legitimate star in wrestling should be numbered.

Sting. Sting is the only wrestler of the four mentioned who has broken the half-century mark (he's 50). Personally, I think Sting has been done as someone worth viewing since he debuted the Dark Sting angle in WCW. He's had a great career, multiple time TNA and WCW champion. He also can hold his head high for never selling out to join his nemesis Vince McMahon. But watching Sting wrestle guys who can put on a great show like Kurt Angle is just painful. This is not the Stinger of early 90s WCW fame whose combination of strength and speed gave headaches to Vader and Flair. No, Sting looks old in the ring. This one might just have a happy ending as in recent episodes of Impact! Sting insinuated that if he lost the TNA World Title he might call it a career or at least give it a rest.

Tommy Dreamer is only 38. However, I still think Tommy Dreamer should retire because he's gotten kind of fat and is slower than ever. Watching him, I hope his contract runs out without an ECW championship simply because he is tarnishing the good name of ECW past and his own career by wrestling in the new ECW. Whereas Sandman and Stevie Richards have moved on, Dreamer remains the last link to the old ECW. Dreamer was best in hardcore domain and having to wrestle straight matches really shows how limited he is. Hey, maybe Mick Foley and Tommy Dreamer can feud in hardcore matches at an indie card near you soon enough, if the Gods be just. (I'd rather see Abdullah the Butcher, though)

There comes a time in every wrestler's career when they know to step out of the spotlight. Even Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan have seemingly ended their careers to the surprise of all. Maybe Chris Jericho does have a point. Some of these legends are just tarnishing their image by continuing on. Let's just hope Rick Steamboat, Roddy Piper, and worst of all, Jimmy Snuka, don't decide to give it another try. Of course, TNA seemingly is always willing to hire any such over-the-hill legend to wrestle (their contract offer to Ric Flair, case in point). Let's not chance it. Step away and give the young guys a chance!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Lamenting the Death of the (Original) ECW

by Alfonso Colasuonno

Last night, instead of watching Smackdown and seeing more of the same old tired John Cena - Edge feud, I watched a couple of YouTube clips of the old ECW. One was of Shane Douglas during his feud with Brian Pillman (who never actually wrestled a match in ECW). The other was of Raven and Stevie Richards building up their feud with Luna Vachon and Tommy Dreamer. Stevie had a hilarious spot where he talked about Kevin Sullivan's height, Florida Championship Wrestling, and Beulah's fishy smell. It made me think that wrestling today needs a true alternative.

Why was ECW so successful as an alternative to the WWE and WCW? Because it didn't aim for a 14 and under audience. When was the WWE at its best? During the Attitude phase when Stone Cold and The Rock were the pinnacle of the company and edginess was not only allowed but encouraged. The promotion of John Cena has disneyfied the WWE. There is no extreme left. Furthermore, the storylines are tired. Randy Orton feuding with the McMahon brood. Edge and John Cena fighting for the 100th time. Chris Jericho wasting his talent in a feud with has-beens.

TNA? Well, I think the problem with TNA is when it does go on a limb and try to be edgy, it's done is such a piss poor way that it's laughable rather than credible. Samoa Joe threatening Scott Steiner with a hunting knife is a case in point. I don't know whether that whole Nation of Violence angle is disturbing or humorous in its absurdity. TNA tries at times, but the fact is that a large portion of their wrestlers are completely washed-up (i.e. Kevin Nash and Mick Foley would both be better served replacing the awful commentators on Impact rather than wrestling on it.)

Why was ECW so great before it was co-opted by the McMahons? Because it was a wrestling program designed for adults. The violence was extreme. The angles were edgy. The wrestlers gave it their all every night of the week. Where else could you see Raven and Tommy Dreamer nailing each other over their heads with frying pans on the same card as a Dean Malenko - Eddy Guerrero technical masterpiece. ECW was the best federation to ever grace a television set. Perhaps ROH, which has the best action I've ever seen, can step in to the role of ECW, but without a television presence, stars like Necro Butcher, Tyler Black, and Bryan Danielson won't become household names until they go to the big leagues. The fact is that wrestling fans are made as kids in most cases, but when they grow up, they require something a little bit different, a little bit more mature, to keep them enamored of their favorite sport. Here's hoping another alternative can arise.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Starrcade 2000: Best PPV of All Time

by Alfonso Colasuonno

WCW's post-NWA life can be traced in a pretty neat progression. The late 80s and early 90s were solid times with significant talent (Sting, Flair, Luger, Steamboat, Rude, Vader, etc.) but little appreciation on the national level as compared to McMahon's Stamford based behemoth. Signing Hulk Hogan captured people's attention, if not for having the biggest star in wrestling, for re-creating WWF circa 1989. Then with the NWO, WCW began to be taken seriously. They brought in spectacular technical performers from around the world such as Rey Mysterio, Ultimo Dragon, Dean Malenko, and Chris Jericho who wrestled A+ matches and topped off the night with the biggest stars in the biz. And then egos got in the way and it all turned to crap until Vince bought the company and trashed it. That's the history of WCW, right?

Wrong. At least on the last part. I am here to tell you that the most magnificent pay per view event ever was not a Wrestlemania, it was a Starrcade. Starrcade 2000 in fact. Brought to the fans from the MCI Center in Washington DC to only 6,596 paying customers and ridiculously low pay-per-view numbers, Starrcade 2000 was an under the radar gem from the beginning to the end...well maybe just the first two-thirds of the card.

Starrcade 2000 started off with a ladder match between six high-octane performers - Shane Helms and Shannon Moore of boy band 3 Count (try getting their theme out of your head, sickening as it is), the Jung Dragons (featuring perennial jobber Jimmy Wang Yang and Kaz Hayashi) and Jamie (K)noble and Evan Karagias. The action was non-stop. These young guys gave it their all. Granted, the conclusion of the match - Helms and Moore reaching the contract to face Chavo Guerrero for the lightweight title at the same time - was bunk. Still, the 3 Count theme song was as nauseatingly appealing as "It's Gonna Be Me."

Lance Storm versus The Cat was a solid match. The anti-American Canadian angle is always one of my favorite wrestling stock devices. To think of Hacksaw Duggan turning on the USA, albeit half-heartedly. Well, it was just an epic moment.

Crowbar vs. Terry Funk for the hardcore title was great. First of all, Daffney's ear-piercing screams throughout the match coupled with her nasal accent was great for those who want to learn how to withstand torture. Terry Funk wrestled even worse than you would think a 56 year old could wrestle. He barely could move, yet won the match. To put it simply, Terry Funk in this match makes a modern day Tommy Dreamer look like the most nimble wrestler around.

KroniK vs. Big Vito and Reno? Well, it was an unspectacular match. The twist of Reno turning on Big Vito was still impressive. OK, one subpar match can be excused.

Then the highlight of the night came in the next match....Bam Bam Bigelow crashing through an ambulance in an ambulance match against Mike Awesome. Granted Bam Bam Bigelow has always been a never was, yet always was promoted like a could have been, well Mike Awesome showed a for all intents and purposes fitting end to Bam Bam's career.

Shane Douglas vs. General Rection. Come on, Shane Douglas was one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. And he's facing a guy named General Hugh G. Rection. The match was actually surprisingly good. Shane Douglas' theme song was killer.

The best match of the night was a bunkhouse street fight between the Filthy Animals (Konnan, Rey Mysterio, and Billy Kidman) against Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers. It was as frenetic and violent a match as I've seen in WCW. To see six men going at it at once was incredible (although oddly, midway through the match, tags began to be enforced)

The last three matches were unspectacular. DDP and Nash pinned the Perfect Event for the tag team titles, Goldberg beat Luger easily, and Scott Steiner wrestled Sid Vicious in a solid main event.

All that can be said to justify my opinion is that never have I been so enraptured watching a pay-per-view from the comfort of my own home. You might say that it was just so bad it turned good. You might be right. All that I know is that Starrcade 2000 was the premier event in wrestling history (for me, at least).

Monday, April 13, 2009

Santino Marella: One Italian-American's Perspective

by Alfonso Colasuonno

"He's an embarassment to Italians! He's an imbecile! He's an idiot!" The words fire out of my Aunt Rosalia's mouth on Easter Sunday after I asked her opinion on Italian-Canadian wrestler Santino Marella. My 12 year old cousin Michael follows up with "He should die." Santino is apparently not seen as quite the ethnic esteem booster to some members of my family. However, my cousin Joseph strikes a dissenting voice from this brew of discontent - "He's OK. He brings life to the show. There's no comedy in it (otherwise). He brings it." My cousin Stephanie remains the most ambivalent of my family - "He's funny (but) stupid."

Italian-Americans, like many other ethnic groups, strive for fair treatment on television and at large. For a while there was a big furor within the Italian-American community over depictions of Italian-Americans on the HBO drama The Sopranos, a chronicle of an Italian-American New Jersey family that just happens to be captained by a mafia kingpin. Ironically enough, The Sopranos was a major hit within the Italian-American community. I wanted to see if the opinions of Santino were just as mixed and while this sample was certainly not the largest, nor random, it did strike up the fact that the reaction from Santino's "famiglia" was not surprising.

Looking over the world of professional wrestling - both present-day and historically - many ethnic depictions can be seen as borderline offensive: Umaga - the Samoan savage; William Regal - the snobby Briton; Slick - the fast talking African-American; Eddie Guerrero - the disreputable Mexican; Vladimir Kozlov - the cold and calculating Russian; Sheik Abdul Bashir - the anti-American Muslim. Some might argue that a lot of the appeal of professional wrestling is in how politically incorrect it is. Santino is no exception. Santino's accent brings to mind the voice of a villain from Johnny Dangerously. He intentionally makes mistakes with the English language ("Cold Stone" anyone?), wears shirts to the ring in imitation of the Italian flag and the Ferrari logo, and frequently belittles the role of women (maybe you should make him a calzone, Beth Phoenix). But is Santino offensive or comic?

It is my opinion that people need to develop thicker skins. How can one take Santino seriously? Wrestling is all about generating heat. The signs you frequently see at ringside - "Santino = Ratings" are no lie. When I took a brief sabbatical from viewing professional wrestling one of the characters that brought back my love of the sport was Santino. Am I offended by Santino? In a word - no. Wrestling is supposed to be a spectacle and Santino is a master of making a spectacle. In short, to those Italians, or any other group offended by an ethnic depiction of a wrestler, lighten up! Do you actually take wrestling seriously? I think that might be a bigger problem than any comical ethnic depiction.

WWE Superstars: A Golden Opportunity

by Alfonso Colasuonno

The purpose of a squash match in professional wrestling is to signify the dominance of one competitor over the other. Oftentimes, a squash match is used to hype a performer before a major match. One great example of a recent squash match is the Big Show v. Jesse and Festus in a handicap match. Jesse and Festus are on WWE TV nowadays about as often as Halley's Comet comes around. Did The Big Show - a borderline main eventer - dominating these two jobbers really build The Big Show up in any intelligent wrestling fan's eyes? The Big Show is a beast. Festus has size (but no intelligence to go with that) and Jesse, well, poor Jesse doesn't really have much going for him at all. Was the outcome ever really in doubt to anyone when the match was announced?

Surely there has to be a better use for the WWE's undercard than simply being perennial victims to Umaga or The Big Show in two minutes or under matches. That is why I think WWE Superstars can be the perfect outlet to develop some of these underutilized wrestlers. Now, I know Ohio Valley Wrestling has been the training ground to bring in guys like Jack Swagger, Randy Orton, and Batista to the WWE, but what about those performers who get to the WWE, only not to impress the fans or the McMahons, and become the victims in squash matches? Guys like Kizarny - who only wrestled one singles match and a battle royale on WWE TV. Granted a carney face gimmick is pretty lame, but shouldn't he have been given a chance?

WWE Superstars can give these underutilized wrestlers a chance to impress. A lot of people say that is what ECW is meant to do, but I would disagree. ECW has quite a lot of talent in its own right. Jack Swagger is a sensation in terms of wrestling ability and given time will surely improve his mic skills. Mark Henry is a dominant performer. Christian and Finlay still inspire huge pops from crowds. Evan Bourne is to aerial wrestling what Tyson Kidd is to technical wrestling - future kings. ECW is not to be dismissed. I actually find myself enjoying it quite a bit more than Raw or Smackdown on the occasions when they actually book quality matches on it. What WWE Superstars can do is get people to give a damn about Kizarny or Festus or Dolph Ziggler. WWE Superstars can get their angles across so that WWE can develop new stars, or at least new mid-carders a la a Shelton Benjamin or MVP. Not everyone has the potential to be a superstar right off the bat, and this is an opportunity to develop new stars. WWE has a wonderful opportunity here. Let's hope Superstars doesn't just become another hour's recap of the WWE's cash cows. Kizarny needs love too!